"How To" Lecture Series #1

I'm going to start a short blogging lecture series..... if all goes as planned, there will be many more to come. I want to give step by step instructions so all viewers can learn how to do things, the right way.

lecture #1

how to:

 have your toe/foot look like this----

(these were taken just minutes after I got home today. after all 20 steps are completed, these are the results you're looking for. notice the swelling of the toes and foot, the redness around the nail bud, and the black/gray bruising colors. this will be the best your foot will have looked in over two days, your nail is about ready to fall off!)

Look like something that might interest you? 

Just follow these 20 simple steps:

1. First sign up for a half marathon.  Set yourself up for failure.

2. Buy three pairs of running shoes and wear the ones that are too small first.

3. Wear them again, even after you find your sock soaked in blood after the first go.

4. Notice your nail turned gray and switch shoes. That way you'll have even less time to break into another pair of shoes before the big race.

5. Run the said race without taking any precautions to the toe. (you're going to be very tired, for various reasons, while running this race...just to warn you)

6. Take shoes off after the race and you're sure to see a very black toe. 

7. Go home and continue on with your day and try to do as much as possible. (for me, it worked great to; clean, go to a BBQ, study 4 hours, and then go to a wedding reception and mingle with your whole graduating class for about 2 hours, standing the whole time. Don't try to squeeze a nap in. Keep on your feet!)  At this point you should be saying, quite frequently, "my toe has a heart beat."

8. Wear the most uncomfortable shoes to church you can. Sure it doesn't make much sense, but just do it anyway. Beauty is pain, they say. 

9. Your dad is sure to print "what to do for a black toe nail" off the Internet, but just ignore it.

10. Go to dinner at a family friends where they will tell you, after you release the pressure underneath, it will feel better, and do it sooner than later.....but ignore that too.  

11. Your parents will even go as far as to offer to take you to insta care, but don't bother to take them up on that. You've got other things to do. 

12. Go to the library and study until 1 a.m. and then wake up and study some more. You'll be in a lot of pain at this point, but the few minutes it would take to figure out what to do with your toe, wouldn't be worth it. Your studying friends will want to kill you, but keep talking about your toe. (all the studying you've done over the last few days won't really have done much because you were in so much pain, but keep doing it anyway. It's a good waste of time. If you're lucky, you'll probably do as crappy as I did on the test)

13. Don't eat anything more than 2 1/2 Einstein Bagels (kiss of death) and a banana all day and head on down to wait in a standing line for a concert for a few hours. 

14. Stand for about 4 hours listening to crappy opening bands, and waiting for the concert and then maybe go ahead and sit when the concert starts. That makes a lot of sense. Also, don't bother to eat anything still. You'll be nauseous every time you stand up and your toe will be pulsing out of your skin, but just hang in there. And a plus, you'll be less than delightful to be around, complaining and whatnot. Although you'll really enjoy the concert, your toe will still be your main focus. 

15. Go home and go to bed pretty late, yet again. You can put some ice on your toe for a bit, but don't worry about finding a functional way for it to stay there while you sleep. It'll probably be best to just have a bag of ice to leak all over your sheets. 

16. Wear some socks and tight shoes the next morning when you get up. Don't even think about sandals, that'd be silly. Did you know that infection grows in moist places? Why wouldn't you want a sweaty little sock on your foot all day?

17. Go work with an autistic child who has no regard for your pulsing toe.

18. Walk the 15 minute walk to job #2, and don't take your time. You'll be about ready to drop dead right now, but just keep plugging along. The throbbing will only get worse.

19. Once you're at work you probably wont be able to concentrate much and will be doing everything you can not to pass out. Every time you stand up, you'll want to throw up.

20. Go into your boss's office and ask her to rip your toe nail off. If she's anything like mine, she might just take you up on that, at least to the extent that she can.  She'll get all excited to watch the blood/infection squeeze out of your toe, which will kind of confuse you. If you're as lucky as me, the whole office will be watching as your stinky (wouldn't have been if you had worn sandals) foot is up on her desk and she's pushing down as hard as she can to squirt the blood out. You'll let out yelps of pain, and be a little embarrassed.  They'll probably say stuff like "how have you even been walking?" and "why wouldn't you have done this two days ago?" etc. Bloody up a few paper towels and fill the whole office with the oder of your foot.  You'll then have to put your shoes back on and walk the 15 minutes back to your car. Although the throbbing will have ceased, you'll still in a  large amount of pain.

It's as easy as that kids.

Happy toe throbbing!